The Birth of "The Bottomer"

Alright soup people, buckle up…I have absolutely no idea if this newly invented soup was going to be good, bad, or somewhere in that middle space where people say “interesting” and back away. But I do know this…I’m back, baby. Last week’s Pizza Soup was a turning point. A palate cleanse. A spiritual reset. Also, let’s not gloss over the fact that it was the highest-ranking soup ever. Ever. People love pizza. Who knew. Getting that soup out into the world shook loose whatever soup blockage had been living in my brain.

So what’s on the official Soup Club menu for week two of February? Grapes! Yes. Grapes. And no, not a splash of wine, not some reduction, not “notes of grape.” I mean actual grapes. Plopped into soup to give those little sweet flavor bursts that, frankly, every soup probably deserves.

The base idea was simple. Red lentils. A few veggies. Not the entire produce section like I usually do when I black out at Meijer. Moroccan spices because “Moroccan” sounds exotic and impressive, even though I had to look up where Morocco actually is. And then the pièce de résistance…roasted grapes. But not as a topper. No, no, no. And not mixed into the soup either. Friends, I’d like to introduce a brand-new soup concept: “the Bottomer!”

That’s right. Instead of sprinkling things on top, you bury them underneath. The soup sits on the roasted grapes like a warm, spicy lentil blanket. Then you finish it off with a traditional Egyptian Dukkah blend of nuts and spices and wait for the scores to either skyrocket or completely implode. There is no middle ground here.

Before we get into results, a quick detour…I recently watched Emeril Lagasse’s new soup content and I’ve got questions. Broccoli cheddar. Roasted garlic. French onion. Chicken stock. Three boring soups and one greasy liquid? What happened, man. I watched Emeril Live from 1997 to 2007. You were wild back then. BAM meant something. Now it feels like “meh.” Sure, he has 900,000 followers and I have 8, but my 8 were about to have an experience. Meanwhile, YouTube decided I’m an Alton Brown soup guy now, and both Alton and Emeril agree on one thing: you gotta “sweat” your aromatics before adding liquid. So I did. Will I ever make this soup again without sweating the veggies to compare? Absolutely not. That sounds exhausting. But the house smelled incredible, so that feels like science.

Things I learned along the way:

• Sweating veggies may or may not matter, but it absolutely makes your house smell like you know what you’re doing.

• Red lentils cook about three times faster than the sad brown ones I’ve been buying forever. They also lose their red color, which feels like betrayal.

• Dukkah is fantastic, though I expected it to be chunkier. Ordered two versions off Amazon. No regrets.

• Roasting grapes is apparently a thing. Or maybe it isn’t. Either way, they were awesome.

• The Bottomer is a game changer. Imagine Polish soup with kielbasa as the bottomer. Kevin’s split soup could’ve been one soup with ham down below. The possibilities are endless and mildly dangerous.

• Also, quick protein rant. I’m exhausted by the “I need more protein” crowd grabbing ultra-processed bars and energy drinks. One cup of cooked lentils has 18 grams of protein. A quarter cup of pistachios has 7 grams. Do the math. This soup clocks around 20 grams of protein per bowl. Oh, and about 20 grams of fiber too. Bam Emeril!

But none of that matters unless the people speak. And this week we had a special guest, attorney Alexia Vougiouklakis, visiting to learn about soup… and maybe some other stuff.

Here we go:

• Kevin started at a 9.1 with no hot sauce, then bumped it to a 9.6 with hot sauce. Classic Kevin.

• Tam came in with a 9.45. Yes, the hundredths matter. I will take every decimal Tam is willing to give.

• Andy dropped a 9.9. I’m going to say that again. A 9.9 from Andy. He even helped himself to Justy’s bowl, then made up a story about her wanting something different this week. Sorry Justy.

• Conlan gave it a solid 9.5, then absolutely ripped on the grapes. He said no grapes might’ve been a 10.0. That’s the beauty of the Bottomer, my friend. Next time, don’t take the grapes.

• Adam proudly announced he skipped his morning bagel in anticipation of soup, though he did admit a banana happened earlier. Two bowls later, he landed on a 9.3.

• Marketing Mike…wow. Long story short, 10.0. Long story long, the speech leading up to the score made me think he was about to cry. That was a cool moment. Soup does things to people.

• Alexia was tricky. She was saying things like “best soup I’ve ever had,” but then got bullied into thinking tens were frowned upon. We officially counted her at a 9.0. After everyone left, she quietly said it was actually a 10.0 and the best soup ever. Noted.

Counting Alexia as a 9.0, that gives us an official average of 9.5. I’m going to sit with that for a while. (Felton was smiling with a non-counting 8.5 and no feedback from Ashley - probably a 10.0)

That’s it for me for a bit. I’ve been working on recruiting young Hunter into Soup Club. Right now we’re negotiating time management skills, specifically the extra 60 minutes every two months required to make soup. If anyone can help him with that, it’s probably Yavello. He seems to have life completely figured out.

References

Jenn, Surgeon. (2026). Sourdough bread dough prepared under informal kitchen supervision and TikTok-influenced fermentation protocols. Personal culinary contribution, Muskegon, MI.